Saturday, October 31, 2009

stupid people at concerts

While at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame 25th Anniversary concert at the Garden on Friday (U2! Metallica! Aretha Franklin! Mick Jagger! Sting! Bruuuuce!) I was reminded that sometimes I hate people

So at the very beginning of the show Jerry Lee Lewis comes out and sings "Great Balls of Fire" to kick things off.... good stuff for a guy who I thought periodically over the past 10-15 years dead.

Well I looked over into the boisterous row in front of me where the drunk guy (he looked like a total S-Block) was singing with his Indian girlfriend and saw that she had her iPhone raised and pointed towards the stage.

Was she taking a picture? No
Wash she videotaping the performance? No.

SHE WAS SHAZAM-ING it so that she could find out what song he was singing! I'm like are you serious? You don't know who Jerry Lee Lewis and you CAN'T RECOGNIZE THE SONG? What is wrong with you people. I wanted to slap Priya right there and then. I mean why are you at a rock hall of fame show if you don't know basic things?

It's sorta like going to the Super Bowl and being like "what is this grass field they're playing on?" It's like going to an art museum and asking aloud "what was the Mona Lisa?" It's like wearing brown shoes with a black belt.

You just don't do such things.

ALSO if she doesn't recognize "Great Balls of Fire" it means that she's never seen Top Gun. What kind of person hasn't seen Top Gun? I shudder at the thought of meeting someone who upon hearing word "Maverick" can only muster up some memory of a weird Mel Gibson movie. And what about Goose? Goooooose. Did he die in vain?!?! Did he?!

A travesty. A real travesty.

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Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Tetris, people's personalities, and Halloween

A friend mentioned at work the other day that for Halloween some of her friends were going to be Tetris pieces. So I got to thinking, how do you determine who gets to be each piece? In my mind your personality has to match the piece....and each piece most certainly has a personality

For example, I don't think I could ever be The Line in the group. It's a bit too presumptuous. EVERYONE loves The Line. No one in the history of Tetris has played the game, seen The Line start scrolling down and said "Oh fuck, it's The Line." NO! People LOVE The Line. It goes well with everything. It's sorta like bacon and goat cheese. Now, as agreeable as I think I am, I can't pull off The Line.

Personally I'm more of The Hat fellow. The Hat is generally agreeable and you can rotate it to fit most situations. Now truth be told sometimes it comes at the wrong time and jacks up your game. Oh well.

Be that as it may, I'm definitely not The Block. The Block is fine, I mean I have no complaints, but it's not exactly someone you always want to hang out with. It's sorta like when you goto a party and are looking for someone, anyone to talk to.... it's alwaaaaays A Block person. Someone who is good enough to have a drink with, discuss weather, perhaps old current events (e.g. the war, health care, great AFC football games from years past). BUT you don't want to get stuck with The Block all-night. Oh good god no.

The Hook meanwhile tends to be a pretty helpful piece, and it is quite underrated. The only problem is that extra nub at the end. When it fits into your Tetris pile it is magical. Like a glittered glove fitting Michael's hand. But when it doesn 't're just like "dude, you stupid muthah@#$ah, why now?" The nub can throw you a real curveball once in a while. The Hook. Suave. Dashing. Bold. It's like a cologne, but only it's a Tetris piece.

Now we can go back and forth on which piece I maaay or maaay not be, and the merits behind each one....but one piece you do not want to be is the S-Block. The S-Block is the absolute worst. No one ever prays for an S-Block to scroll down their screens. If the S-Block were a person it would be a real dick. Like just a guy that no one wants and when he arrives he just fucks up everything around him. Even when he sorta fits it makes the next layer on top of him awkward.

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Saturday, October 24, 2009

Spot the Desi: fluorescent tube lights, Indians, & hatred

When I was a little kid and my family used to go to India there was one thing I used to hate above all else.... it wasn't the humidity, it wasn't the mosquitoes*, it wasn't even the lack of normal sit-down toilets in some houses... it was fluorescent tube lights

I fucking hate that shit. They are bright and it give every room the ambiance of a hospital. Plus every time you sorta look at one it's as if your retinas are burning off.

But for some reason it seemed like 97% of all Indian households had at least one room illuminated by as tube light. No other ethnicity has embraced a form of light in a similar fashion to Indians and tube lights. It's to the point that when I look at the surrounding buildings around where I live, I can spot which apartments Indians live in just by the tube lights.

The apartments are unmistakable based upon the piercing blue-ish white light erupting from their windows. Most normal homes have a nice warm yellow light. Not desis. We need fluorescent because it makes the text from math book just jump out and shine!

See you can just count that at least 5 of the apartments are filled with desis (those windows circled in green).

Now I know what a lot of you are saying, "aren't there like a lot of Indian people in your 'hood?" Well that's besides the point. The ones with fluorescent tube lights are definitely Indian.

* Okay I'll admit, mosquitoes were by far THE worst. If I wasn't writing this dramatic piece of prose there's no doubt that mosquitoes would be tops of my hate list. There was nothing worst then waking up to having bites between your fingers and toes and generally feeling swollen. However my aunts used to make me feel better by making some bogus claim that I had "sweet blood" and hence attracted all the bloodsucking night crawlers.

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Friday, October 23, 2009


Why doesn't Burger King and McDonalds put ketchup in the little dipping sauce boxes that they reserve for BBQ Sauce and Zesty! (tm) Sauce? It's 1000 times more practical than the stupid ketchup packets that they give where you're left wondering where you're supposed to squirt the ketchup.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

the Al-Khair University Badgers

I was reading about some student unrest in some Pakistani universities and one thought immediately came to my mind: do their colleges have nicknames like colleges here?

For example I went to the handy dandy list-o-Pakistani universities and looking up schools like:
  • Aga Khan University
  • Al-Khair University
  • Bahauddin Zakariya University
  • Ghulam Ishaq Khan Institute of Engineering and Technology
  • Habib Public School
  • Isra University
  • Karachi University
  • Khyber Medical College
  • Liaquat University
  • Quaid-e-Azam University
  • University of Karachi
The colleges read like a South East Asian version of the Big 10. The pomp. The circumstance. The pageantry. Pakistani higher education (and yes to all my friends that went to Karachi Grammar School I understand it was a good school...)

I mean who hasn't seen the rivalry of the Habib Public School Wolverines versus the Quaid-e-Azam Golden Gophers. It's a storied rivalry that spans the ages. And who of course can forget the laughingstock that the Liquat University Fighting Falcons cricket team became last year?!?

And that ends my thoughts on that.

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Monday, October 12, 2009

c'mon ride the train

The other day I was walking through the Hoboken train terminal and I saw a train conductor kissing one of the passengers next to the platform. This was scandalous! For sure they must have some sorta code-o-conduct laws prohibiting such sophomoric behavior. But then I realized that the person kissing was just a person. This is not exactly on par with the President have "relations" with people.... unless of course the "passenger" was really the train person's which case it would still be not very important.

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Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Hindu traditions, water guns, & me

Karva Chauth is a ritual celebrated by married women mainly from northern Indian women from Punjab.

Basically women in their first year of marriage fast all day in a ritual which shows how the wife loves her husband since she's willing to suffer (fast) for him. After sunset, and upon seeing the moon, the women dress in the best clothing and offer prayers. They then receive their first bite of food from the beloved hubbies.

Touching stuff. Really.

As can be expected from my little waterside neighborhood is that scores of brown people are lining up along the water and performing their husband & wife rituals.

Now on one hand it's pretty cool to see people maintaining their culture by performing such rituals. On the otherhand the idea of a ton of Indian people sitting outside my window is too much of a temptation to resist any sane person with a water gun. Namely me.

So with Indian women wearing their finest clothes I made it rain. Oh I made it rain. The best part is that people couldn't run away because they had to finish their rituals. God comes first you know.

Now to be clear I asked my mom if I'll goto hell for spraying people with my Super Soaker (tm) while they're praying and she said no. So I'd say this is her way of saying "Go spray them my son." And you know what?... I'm not wanton to disobey my mom. Especially on Hindu-ritual days.

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Saturday, October 3, 2009

notes from my cabbie

"It's a real pity Chicago didn't get the Olympics. But I mean where would you want to spend two weeks? Chicago or Rio? Of course Rio with all them beaches and shit. They need to change some of the events. Instead of throwing the javelin they should make an event of catching the javelin"

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