Monday, June 8, 2009

"I ordered steak fajitas. Steak Fajitas!!!"

There comes a time for all of us where at some point, we just break. Sometimes breaking means me (figuratively) fall apart, sometimes it means we just snap.... like Michael Douglas in the 1993 hit "Falling Down." You just walk around and blow people away. For no apparent reason to them, but as a whole each person represents a cog in the collective cornucopia of nonsense that we all deal with.

For my friend J.B. that moment of clarity came after eating a Mexican food in Chicago. While the review looks like it's aimed squarely at this [un]fine food establishment, clearly there's something more going on with J.B....clearly.

Here's the review that "Joseph B" wrote on Yelp:
EL BARCO. (Categories: Mexican, Seafood)
1035 Ashland Ave. Chicago, IL 60622
* (one star)

The fact that I rated this place with a one star is simply because you can not rate a place with negative stars. I live on West Cortez and for years have wanted desperately to like this place. After trying it 2 or 3 times over the last 9 years (each visit worse than the last) I decided tonight that I would try to give it one more chance. What a dumb mistake!!! This place sucks. I mean really sucks. The absolute worst restaurant I have ever visited before in my life. Bar NONE!!!

Where to begin? How about I start with the food. Awful. I ordered steak fajitas. Steak Fajitas!!! For crying out loud how hard is this? The meat was overcooked, fatty and generally disgusting. My poor girlfriend choked down some of the nastiest fish tacos, I've ever seen in my life. What a trooper she is!!!

Next let's talk about the service. Ok. I get it. I don't speak spanish, this is clearly a mexican place. Does that mean I should sit at a table with piles of dirty dishes, whilst an army of waitresses pass us by without so much as a look at the dish pile in front of us???

When we finally got the check it took another 10 minutes for someone to pick it up. Again after 10 waitresses passed by seemingly dodging the bill and credit card dangling off the table.

And last but, not least, we get home and I immediately put my sweatshirt and t-shirt in the wash to try to get rid of the smell. My roommate walks out of his room and asked if we brought any of this nasty food home with us because it smelled like we did.

Listen folks, this place is dangerous. A menace to my neighborhood. And I for one can no longer stand idly by and allow these culinary atrocities to take place right outside my door. Not on my watch!!! People need to know. And I will tell them. I will shout it from the mountain tops that this place sucks like no other!!! These tyrants must be stopped before someone gets hurt.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go honk, then take a shower and then try to rid myself of the memory of this wretched establishment.

God help us all. (Joseph B, 6/03/2009)

This may be the single funniest piece of prose I've read in the past 5 years. To call it simple a "funny review" would be an injustice. This is up there with Shakespeare. Joseph Heller. Perhaps even THIS article in The Onion. Lines such as, "Where to begin? How about I start with the food. Awful. I ordered steak fajitas. Steak Fajitas!!! For crying out loud how hard this?" are just precious.

Understated yet firm. Like a good Cognac.

I read this review and cried. After I was done weeping I looked up at the heavens and said "I know Joseph B....I know Joseph B."


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2 comments:

Kishan said...

I have to thank you for this.
This review made my day :)

Shakes said...

haha, i'm glad you liked it...i dunno why but i fought my self reading it over and over again