Monday, December 17, 2007

Urination Chronicles

[warning the following post is not for the feint of heart]

So I was going to the local urinals at work when the guy next to me proceeded to lay stretch out his hands and rest them behind the head. It was bizarro it was like he was sitting on the desk of a ship, relaxing, as he peed. Meanwhile yours truly was looking down as a I peeing. Now really you can have two behaviors while peeing. You can either look down or stare straight ahead. Both have their pros and cons.

Looking ahead is sorta retarded because you're basically staring at some tile (or a thin mirror if you're at Newark Airport) which is 4 or 5 inches away from your face. Have you ever tried to stare at something that close for 20 seconds? It's hard. Sometimes your eyes focus in and see small details of the tile, other times it just becomes all blurry. Peeing is a real trip.

The other alternative is to look down and focus on your peeing. This is bizarro because to be fair it's not like you really need to aim or anything. Peeing in a urinal is sorta like trying to kick a soccer ball into the ocean off of a pier: it's pretty hard to miss. I mean I guess you can try to actively avoid "splashback," but it doesn't really get much more exciting than that.

Well ordinarily speaking I would think that those are the only two options that you really have. However the other day I saw a totally new one. The guy next to me proceeded to stretch out both hands and sorta re-enact the "Titanic" flying pose. It was nutso (no pun intended) on several levels. Firstly, who has the audacity to stretch the arms like that? That's just crazy. Secondly how the hell does he pee without having to hold his zipper open?

At this point I started wondering "is this some sorta challenge or non-subtle taunting of me?" I of course had opted to go for the Wall-Stare Strategy. But while witnessing these events I was totally unable to pee. I was like stuck in a pee-cage match. What was even more incredible is that the guy finished his outstretch arm movement by digging into his back pocket and checking his Blackberry. If this were figure skating it would be like doing a backflip after hitting a triple axel.

... At this point I know what a lot of you are thinking, "But Shakes, backflips are illegal in international skating competitions!" I know I know , but work with me here.

Anyhoo at this point there isn't much that one can finish with to conclude. I mean the guy peed and left....and then I gathered my thoughts and was able to pee and leave. And that was that.

The only thought I was really left with is this: is there really a need to be sooo connected with other people that you have to check your Blackberry while peeing? Is that really necessary?


Kishan said...

I loved ur observations on peeing behaviours.

Shakes said...

haha, thank you thank you. my observations come from years of experience