Monday, December 31, 2007

everything was short in the game! from their jump their shorts

Signs that the apocalyse is upon us #821: The Lakers wear pre 90s era retro shorts AND the LA Kings win two games in a row for the first time in like 2 months...

With the Boston Celtics playing their best basketball since the late 1980s, the Lakers decided to do their part…and at least look like they were in the 1980s when the clashed on Sunday.

With the game probably the most meaningful one between the historic rivals since the era of Bird and Magic the local TV stations at home have been filled with promo ads with the theme "that was then (cue picture of of old players and an old pair of short basketball short)…this is now (cue Kobe dunking and a Kevin Garnett jumper along with an image of modern longer NBA short)."

Obviously I don't live in LA anymore but I've seen more than enough of these local ads while watching LA Kings and Laker games over the past week on satellite.

So after warm-ups the Lake Show tore of their warm-up sweats and unveiled the crowd-pleasing retro shorts. Apparently the team was already slated to wear their retro jerseys (which is not really meaningful considering it hasn't really changed in the last 50 years since they moved from Minneapolis) but wanted to take it one step further…

Although the move initially got Kobe's blessing in order to get the rest of the team on board (newly acquired Trevor Ariza took it one step further by wearing the Magic-esque knee pads) they switched back to their normal shorts in the second half.

Kobe summed up things by saying "I don't know what it feels like to wear a thong, but I imagine it feels something like what we had on in the first half," he said with a grin. "I felt violated. I felt naked. It's one thing to see films with guys wearing those things. ... I'd rather stay warm, man."

Shorts or… shorts, the Lake show was clobbered 110-91.

Friday, December 28, 2007

gooney goo goo

My new word/phrase going into 2008 is going to be "gooney goo goo."
Unlike most forward thinking Americans I finally watched Eddie Murphy's "Delirious" like 15 years after it was released (okay well techniaclly 14). But that being said the scene where Eddie does an imitation of his drunk dad yelling at people at a family BBQ is classic....and that's where he describes his Uncle Gus's wife "Bunny". And after you watch 30 seconds of the clip below and realize that the rest is history after he unleashes the phrase "gooney goo goo."

Gooney goo goo as you can imagine has alternate spellings, ranging from "guni gugu" to "gooneygugu." Regardless it's funny shit.*

The transcript goes something like this: (remember it's starting out from the perspective of Eddie talking like his dad)
But you know what it is, Gus... You told me you met your wife 15 years ago on a motherfucking camping trip and that your wife was Puerto Rican. Your wife ain't no motherfucking Puerto Rican!"

I thought she wasn't from the first minute Gus 'cos I walk up and say "Hello It's good to meet you my name is Vernon."

And she said: "Hello, I'm Bunny. Gooney goo goo"

What the fuck does gooney goo goo mean Gus? I don't know what the fuck that shit is to this day. I thought I learned some new Spanish shit.

I went up to my friend: "Hey, Sanchez! Gooney goo goo!" And Sanchez says: "Get the fuck outta here!"
What's actually even funnier is at 7:30 minutes of the clip when a woman in the audience yells out for Eddie to do his Gumby impression and a man screams back instantaneously without even a hint of a pause "Shut Up Bitch!"

This is why America is great.

*Eddie also uses the epic phrase "gooney goo goo mobile" in this segment as well while describing Gus & Bunny's car

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Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas Pranks Part 2: A Cubicle Christmas

Some people are Great, and some people have Greatness thrust upon them. In my case I've had it emailed to me. Some of you may recall that last year I posted pictures of my brother and his co-workers transforming the cubicle of one of their comrades (Glenn) into Santa's Little Workshop. It's pretty fuckin' awesome.

If you haven't seen it do yourself a favor, hop onto the internet, and get involved.

For whatever reason this post last year is the main reason why this blog has gotten over 150 hits a day since the end of November. (did you like how I conveniently added in the massive hit total...that's called being's why I've been entrusted to write a blog and just read along for shits and giggles) You see I can track how people have found their way to my blog and lately it's usually through a google search terms of something like: "tricks office Christmas" or "prank co-worker Santa." The number of sick bastards out there who look towards the Holiday season as a time to ruin the lives of others is staggering and impressive.

It really captures the Christmas spirit.

It is with this post in mind that I've gotten emails from a couple of people who made their own office workshops. This one from Mike P is my fave:

BEFORE: Ah yes, a simple cubicle....

AFTER: Kablammo! This is like a carbon-copy of my brother's work except it's for "Brett".

You've gotta give extra points for the street sign in the front as well as the surrounding "snow." It shows a lot of tact and is aesthetically pleasing. Also if you look reeeeeaaallly closely in the door you can see that a stocking is hanging inside. That's awesome. Adding Christmas flair is a strong strong effort. We salute you Mike and your victim Brett.

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Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Santa Clause and tea

Putting out milk and cookies for Santa is long-standing of a tradition as is Hindus celebrating Christmas. I remember when I was a kid putting out milk and cookies in the hopes that it would (1) satisfy Santa and (2) bribe him into leaving more gifts for me.

Somewhere along the line things change. I remember I must have been like 8 or something and my dad calmly suggested "You know maybe Santa would like tea instead of milk and cookies"


My dad continued "...well he gets milk and cookies at every other home, maybe he gets tired of it." This seemed to make sense and from then on Santa had a cup of hot water and a tea bag as his treat from our home.

Years later after it was discovered that Santa was a sham, I'd have to wake up my mom, dad, and brother in order to get Christmas morning started. My brother would only get up when mom and dad did....and mom was generally agreeable to whatever. My dad would always add-in the "OK I'll get up if you make me a nice hot tea." This my friends is called bargaining power. What am I going to do, hold-out on making tea and hence delay the self-interest laden commercial festivities?

I say nay.

So with that my dad/Santa has been able to force me into manual labor for nearly 2 decades. If that's not the Christmas spirit, I dunno what is.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

the Kings suck, Stu Lantz, and walking down 5th Avenue

Any self-respecting South Californians knows that there are only 5 people in life you ever listened to in life:
1) mom
2) Chick Hearn & Stu Lantz
3) Bob Miller & Jim Fox

Mom of course needs no intro. Chick Hearn & Stu Lantz are/were the beloved play-by-play guys for the Lakers (until Chicky passed). Bob Miller & Jim Fox are the play-by-play people for the Kings.

With that background our lovely family was walking down 5th Avenue on Saturday along with 45 million of our closest friends and family, when we poked inside the NBA store on 53rd Street. Stu was downstairs and in front of my brother in line. The Lakers were playing the Knicks on Sunday and hence the team was in town.

Another holiday miracle! Being in the same building as Stu is sorta like being in the stable while Jesus was born.

Okay so maybe it's not that big, but it's pretty cool. The weird thing is that Stu was buying water bottles. Why would a basketball commentator for LA shop for water bottles? I mean you'd think that he has access to more than a few free things from the team.

Either that or Stu Lantz is like the worst Santa ever. Can you imagine getting a water bottle for Christmas? I mean if my dad/uncle worked for the Lakers for like 20 years I'd wanna see like the Lakers bench under my tree. And by "bench" I don't mean the physical bench... no no no... I mean the 7 guys who aren't the starters.

Oh well, it's all good, the Lake Show won on Sunday.

Oh and at this point you're probably why did I mention that the Kings suck in the title. Following a team that always loses takes a toll. If for no other reason they've shocked my sleep habits. Getting home between 8-10pm and then staying up until 1:30am to watch their games (west coast games start at 10:30pm EST) and then waking up at 5:45am for work the next morning is not good. The least that the Kings can do is win once in a while. I know asking for two wins in a row is a bit greedy, but hey, I dream big.

At this point I know what a lot of you are saying "you loser Shakes, why don't you just TiVo the game and watch it the next evening if they win?" Well let me answer your question with another, "do you think the moon landing would've been as exciting if you saw Neil Armstrong tape recorded after you knew he already walked around"

I rest my case.

And with that I'm off to another Indian Christmas Eve tradition....Indian food. Instead of lovely Cerritos this time we're doing it East Coast style...Edison. You know how we do.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Even more urinal etiquette #673

It is a scientific fact that falling liquid makes a louder noise when it hits another body of water as opposed to a slab of porcelain. Porcelain is sleek and smooth. Water magnifies the noise.

As I was sitting at work yesterday, waiting to finish work to go home and hang out with my family who decided to spend the holidays in NY with me, I did what all people would do after drinking lots of water: I went to pee.

As I went to the urinal I saw another person standing next to me. Anyone who has read my last post knows that this group urination seems to be a constant theme in my life lately. This however my peeing counterpart did not stretch out his arms like the last subject did. Instead he did something much more belligerent.

What he did was just cheap and pathetic school boy antic. It's the oldest trick in the books. Instead of peeing against the back of the porcelain urinal to make a low sounds, this ass-clown started to pee right into the small puddle of water at the bottom. This ends up creating a booming noise. The strategy also creates a vicious cycle because the more you pee the more liquid that gathers in the urinal and thus creates an even grander noise.

The ultimate effect of the cacophony of urinal falls is that it ends up looks like this guy is able to make such a huge racket with his pee while I'm just like the silent pee man who can't even muster us a stream. The real problem is that once the assclown started making all his noise I was unable to concentrate.

I'm not saying I need total silence or anything to use my putter, don't get me wrong I'm not a golfer, I'm just saying that I need to be a respectful urination environment. If I'm in a bar or a stadium, then I expect some noise and the obligatory resting of a beer on the porcelain mini counter that is the urinal. If I'm at work I expect at least a little bit of decorum. I'm not looking for a male fighting dance, akin to a boxer walking into the ring with an entourage and a pre-planned dance.

That's just uncouth.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

DJ Shakes_2007-12-20 (Christmas Mix)
theme: Christmas

Oh it's Christmastime and what better place to listen to mellow Christmasy type (besides Starbucks) than on your headphones...

T R A C K L I S T I N G (approx 38min)

[0:00] Intro
[0:25] Koop - Come To Me
[3:17] Frank Sinatra - Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
[5:30] Vince Guaraldi Trio - Christmas Time Is Here
[8:08] OMD - (Forever) Live and Die
[11:22] Wham - Last Christmas
[13:51] Nina Simone - My Baby Just Cares For Me
[17:17] Charlie Parker - Just Friends
[20:45] Beatles - All You Need Is Love
[23:33] Eartha Kitt - Santa Baby
[26:40] George Winston - Skating
[29:39] Otis Redding - That's How Strong My Love Is
[31:33] Dave Brubeck Quartet - Pick Up Sticks
[35:08] Etta James - At Last

DIRECTIONS: Right mouse click on the tracklisting above to save the entire mix (mp3) directly or Podcast Me! Simply drag the orange podcast icon on the top left of this page into your iTunes. Or:

1. goto iTunes
2. click on Advanced
3. click on Subscribe to Podcast:
4. paste this URL

Monday, December 17, 2007

Urination Chronicles

[warning the following post is not for the feint of heart]

So I was going to the local urinals at work when the guy next to me proceeded to lay stretch out his hands and rest them behind the head. It was bizarro it was like he was sitting on the desk of a ship, relaxing, as he peed. Meanwhile yours truly was looking down as a I peeing. Now really you can have two behaviors while peeing. You can either look down or stare straight ahead. Both have their pros and cons.

Looking ahead is sorta retarded because you're basically staring at some tile (or a thin mirror if you're at Newark Airport) which is 4 or 5 inches away from your face. Have you ever tried to stare at something that close for 20 seconds? It's hard. Sometimes your eyes focus in and see small details of the tile, other times it just becomes all blurry. Peeing is a real trip.

The other alternative is to look down and focus on your peeing. This is bizarro because to be fair it's not like you really need to aim or anything. Peeing in a urinal is sorta like trying to kick a soccer ball into the ocean off of a pier: it's pretty hard to miss. I mean I guess you can try to actively avoid "splashback," but it doesn't really get much more exciting than that.

Well ordinarily speaking I would think that those are the only two options that you really have. However the other day I saw a totally new one. The guy next to me proceeded to stretch out both hands and sorta re-enact the "Titanic" flying pose. It was nutso (no pun intended) on several levels. Firstly, who has the audacity to stretch the arms like that? That's just crazy. Secondly how the hell does he pee without having to hold his zipper open?

At this point I started wondering "is this some sorta challenge or non-subtle taunting of me?" I of course had opted to go for the Wall-Stare Strategy. But while witnessing these events I was totally unable to pee. I was like stuck in a pee-cage match. What was even more incredible is that the guy finished his outstretch arm movement by digging into his back pocket and checking his Blackberry. If this were figure skating it would be like doing a backflip after hitting a triple axel.

... At this point I know what a lot of you are thinking, "But Shakes, backflips are illegal in international skating competitions!" I know I know , but work with me here.

Anyhoo at this point there isn't much that one can finish with to conclude. I mean the guy peed and left....and then I gathered my thoughts and was able to pee and leave. And that was that.

The only thought I was really left with is this: is there really a need to be sooo connected with other people that you have to check your Blackberry while peeing? Is that really necessary?

Monday, December 10, 2007

Tatti chronicles

Here's an email I received today

"ok i really need to get something off my chest. as you know, i am prone to stepping in poo whether i like it or not. most of the time, i dont like it. ok. i dont like it ever at all. so, last week i was walking and saw dog poo right under a tree in some mulch. so i didnt say much..just made a mental note of it and went on with my day. this morning around 830 i was walking to the subway and it was raining so i wasnt paying attention very much and i saw poo again. this time it looked like horse poo. like it was a lot of it! and it wasnt just a little bit on the sidewalk it was like diarrhea poo all over the sidewalk. and the thing is, i cant even make this up.

its just that bad."

You may now comment on this poo matter

Sunday, December 9, 2007

it's coming baaaack......

I don't like to be a glory hound or anything, but there is definitely something divine about the fact that I just wrote about stumbling upon the American Gladiators....a show which has been off the air for at least a decade....when I discovered while watching football tonight that it's coming back.

Oh yes bitches, it's on.

American Gladiators is coming back to NBC on January 6th. Sometimes life gives us a second chance. This is one of those moments.

Monday, December 3, 2007

i saw mommy kissing Santa Claus

Sometimes life has these moments when you see something you've seen a million times before but finally notice something exceptionally different. For example I remember the first time I looked at the Hartford Whalers logo and realized that the space between the whale tail and the W made an "H" for Hartford. Too bad they moved to North Carolina.

On a similar note I was walking through Macy's when I heard "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause." Of all the Christmas songs, this may be my least favorite. I mean basically some poor girl stumbles down the stairs and discovers her mom shagging Santa. This is terrible. Meanwhile the poor dad is sleeping upstairs.

This is not a sweet Christmas song; this is a story of a family on the verge of a meltdown....

...and then while strolling through the belt section (I had left my black belt at home in LA) I realized that the line "Oh what a laugh it would have been if daddy had only seen, mommy kissing Santa Clause last night" is pretty bizarro. How can this girl be so happy go lucky?

Then it hit. It was an epiphany. A sudden realization. A moment of clarity. Mommy wasn't hooking up with Santa while the dad was sleeping...Dad was Santa! Who would've thunk?

That little girl couldn't even recognize her own dad! How stupid. Que lastima!

Sunday, December 2, 2007

TV is fun

Losing your voice sucks. In some ways the sympathy you get from others is pretty cool, it sucks because you can't To say that work is a disaster is an understatement but it also cramps the old personal life style. Who wants to grab dinner with someone who can't talk?

As such my weekend has consisted of me sitting on my couch, watching TV, doing a little work, and 3 trips to Target (or Tarjaaay as any self-respecting shopping connoisseur would call it).

Spending the entire watching TV can be one of the most stressful things ever. On one hand I have a lot of channels, on the other hand you feel like you should always be able to watch something good. At least in the olden days when there were only like 10 channels you would see that the best thing to watch is MASH and you would settle for it given no other choice.

When you don't feel like you have to settle it makes you more frustrated. As such my morning began with an epic re-run of "American Gladiators." I didn't even realize that they kept the tapes of those shows. While I was stuck in silence I was able reliving members of my favorite Gladiators: Storm, Malibu, Ice... When I was a kid "American Gladiators" was the best way of spending a Saturday night...which is a nice insight into what my social life used to be life in middle school and parts of high school.

After nearly 12 hours of TV my night concluded with an epic 1970s classic, "Coolie High." The story of some black kids growing up in the projects and the tomfoolery that followed them and their high school.

If Siskel & Ebert were on cable there review would be that this movie is the shit. Between the drawn-out house party and the scene where two kids tried to steal money from two hookers with a Lone Ranger badge, the movie is right up there with "Citizen Kane."