I've said it before and I'll say it again Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday of the year. Where else is the sole object of a day to be to eat food, watch football, nap, and then eat more food. That's the stuff of champions.
But the real key is the awful TV that the holiday season forces you to watch with you family and/or loved ones. After waking up from a jet-lag induced wake-up call my voyage to the living room was faced with a timeless question: watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade or "Mystic Pizza."
"Mystic Pizza" is the timeless tale of a girl who works in a pizza store and falls in love with a married man in Connecticut.
The problem with this movie is that in my dazed state I confused mystic pizza with the 1980s epic "Loverboy." So while I'm watching Julia Roberts all I kept thinking was: when does these part happen where that one delivery boy hooks up with people who order extra anchovies?
The problem is that it never came. I kept watching the stupid movie for like an hour and there wasn't even a delivery. I started thinking that maybe I just made up the movie and in an effort to make sure I wasn't wrong I kept watching. It was a vicious cycle.
In many ways it was like watching a late-night movie on USA. As a kid you're hoping to see a racy scene and just as things heat up a commercial comes and the scene is edited. Damn you crappy cable. Damn you. You know this is what happens to you and yet you keep watching. Hoping. Believing.
Disappointment arrived at the doorstep of my life at an early age.
And with that by 9am I looked as pleased as a kid on Christmas morning. All the presents had been open long ago and the thrill of sitting in the living room had already ended. This is the last time you will screw me over Thanksgiving TV, damn you and your dry bird.
And with that I embarked on making a new tradition: I got Egg McMuffins and hash browns from Mickey D's. Throw some D's on that bitch.