Wednesday, February 28, 2007

the real Secret is that you're a bunch of lazy bums

I was reading Newsweek in bed last nights and came across an article about a book called "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne. Apparently it's been sweeping the nation without me even realizing....almost 2 million books sold, a DVD version, and a grand appearance on Oprah. Who could ask for anything more? What the hell was I doing to miss this? I was missing the Secret....and not just the Secret, the Secret. Not since Victoria started keeping things from me had their been a Secret this important, this good, this vital.

The problem of course is I didn't know what the Secret was. Well upon further reading, the Secret works roughly as follows: Instead of actively doing things to change your life, you just have to think about it happening....and it happens. That's the beauty of the Secret! You don't really doooo anything. You just like, wish for it. Like a lot. So this goes beyond the ol' power of positive thinking. This means that if you wanna lose weight, you don't have to actually eat right and exercise....no no no no....au contraire bon jour.... you just think thin thoughts. Furthermore if you see fat people you just think about thin people instead and presto! You're thin! If you want a car you don't have to save up for money, no no no...you just think about the car and blammo. Car!

At the risk of judging other people's beliefs and value in a subjective manner, this may be the biggest load of shit ever. And she duped Oprah into this! Oprah! In the words of Bill Cosby while responding to Theo's theory of why bad grades are okay, "Theo, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Although let's take a step back, this theory is put forth by a woman. I say that not to be sexist, but let's be clear, only a woman could walk into a bar with no money and leave it drunk

After reading this I was struck by how ridiculous this whole thing sounds. How could you even believe this nonsense. So with that I plopped off to bed forgetting the waste of time that is Newsweek
and started wondering how a friend of mine whom I hadn't heard from in a while was doing. As I closed the lights and put my head on my pillow I heard my phone vibrate and I got a text message from my friend! (okay actually my phone doesn't vibrate when I get a text message, it has a little melodic tone that I put on which no one will ever recognize but I'll reveal is the opening sounds from the 1968 Bollywood song "Bhai battoor bhai battoor, ab jainge kitni door" from Padosan). The Secret is working!

Fast forward to this morning, oddly enough at 8am I was craving a chocolate covered croissant (only God knows why?) when our assistant randomly announced that she had donuts! It's the Secret at work!

Sadly though my winning steak was to end right there. My wishes for winning the lottery, having a decent lunch selection from the cafeteria, and a milk shake magically appearing all went unnoticed. I was going to wish for world peace and the end of global warming but I figured it's of no use now. Maybe, God forbid, we'll have to actually do something about it.

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