Tuesday, February 13, 2007

peeing in the wind

One of the Rites of Passage of all people is the experience of having to pee when there is no proper bathroom in sight. It's funny that as the situation becomes more and more dire...or the pressure builds if you will...your personal inhibitions over suitable public behavior slowly go out the window. That being said, as you get older you have to try and be suave about the whole thing. For instance a few years ago on my way back from Yankee Stadium I felt like I was going to explode. This was a bad thing. If I was three years old I may have been tempted to pee in the subway or something, but that would be uncouth being over two decades older.. .

...Instead I chose the much more refined course of action of getting off at the City Hall stop, sprinting across the street like a crazy person into a Subway (ironic no? I still went to a "subway" of sorts) bursting into the kitchen, scaring some dudes in the back and going to the bathroom without asking permission.

Today itself proved to be another tough peeing situation. As a storm makes it's way through the city and sleet and snow set it, the walk home become a touch unpleasant to say the least. Amidst all that yours truly had to pee. Badly. There are some things that can be debated in this world but one that cannot is the fact that Battery Park is one of the most painful places to walk around in the city during winter. So to recap: it was cold and I had to pee. Now there were a few sparse people here and there but no one anywhere near me....and to stop for a moment would be too cold. So since it was a touch windy and I had some space I did what any reasonable person my age would do while walking through a park, I peed while walking. Discreet and effective. I'm quite mature. Quite.

This should be the stuff of a Japanese game shows or something. Take random contestants and try to see if they can pee in random public scenarios. Perhaps maybe even involve the usage of moving vehicles and whatnot. Perhaps the one of the worst places to pee, even though it's a "bathroom" is in a plane during turbulence. The experience is akin to that of being placed inside of a washing machine....but instead of Tide you get susu pani ("pee pee water"). Not good.

Prior to my hit and run effort this evening these are my Top 5 Peeing Moments (in reverse order):

5. Peeing next to the Olympic Arena in Barcelona
4. My first time peeing in Central Park (it's my way of marking my city)
3. Nearly peeing on a hobo in Chicago
2. Peeing in someone elses closet while dj'ing since I couldn't make it to the bathroom in time
1. Although it doesn't involve me peeing, watching a man pee on a dog in India....and the dog just like was sitting there. It was surreal.

Call me loco, but all of this points to an underlying Universal Truth. There is no creature comfort better in life than using your own bathroom. Other bathrooms can be more regal, other bathrooms can be larger, but there is a piece of mind that goes with using your own Facilities with the benefit of having the comfort of familiar surroundings.

*PS: the picture at the top and to the right is sadly not me peeing, but rather one I took of a friend's efforts to fertilize a golf course


Anonymous said...

i was in new york or something and it wasn't THAT cold out that you couldn't stop for a piss. how do you walk and pee at the same time? doesn't the su su end up all over you. unless of course you're huge... okay definitely took a turn for the inappropriate. i will have to sign in as anonymous now to hide my embarassment.

Shakes said...

Oh my. I will neither confirm nor deny anything, but I will be modest in saying that there was a slight breeze at an angle which was helpful in my walking-su-su endeavour

witnee said...

and I thought I knew you.....