Tuesday, January 16, 2007

doormen, why are people idiots?, & hockey

[editor's note: I use the F-bomb quiiiiiiite a bit in the following email]

Anyone who knows me understands that for the most part I'm pretty happy-go-lucky, but simple things can really tick me off. A few weeks ago I thought my dad was coming and figured "hey what would be better than to goto a hockey game with him?" So after happily buying my tickets for the Rangers/Thrashers game this Saturday on EBay I waited patiently for the tickets....and waited.....and waited.

I never got them and after doing some research on the FedEx tracking numbers I found out that they got delivered to the wrong address. Last week. What the fuck. So after some random phone calls and mining my doorman's vast knowledge of the local building doormen, I was able to get a hold of the doorman from the other building who signed for my package. My conversation went something like this... well for the benefit of the reader at home and for the sake of perfect accuracy I added my own personal internal monologue and thoughts into the dialogue in BRIGHT GREEN to symbolize the emotional angst that I was going through:
[Act 1: on the phone]
Me: Hello I live in the Harrison building, apartment 1510 and I think a package of mine got sent to someone in the 1510 in your building by accident
Alvarez the Doorman from Victoria building: Hello. What package?
Me: Fuck. I have a FedEx package which a doorman named Alvarez signed for on January 10th
Alvarez: That is me. Let me see, yes we got something. I signed for it
Me: Brilliant. Listen can you check if you have it there at the lobby still
Alvarez: Okay boss, let me go search
Me: Fuck
Alvarez: I can't find it, it says someone has checked it out It's not here
Me: What! Someone took my package? You gotta be kidding me.
Alvarez: No I'm not.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
[Time Out. comments by our writer]
Listen I try to respect people jobs and all but to be honest what does a doorman really do? I'm not sure if you noticed but you guys certainly don't even open the door anymore. What the fuck is that? I mean last time I checked people are supposed to do what their vocation states them to do. I mean it's not like a guy is called a Pilot but then he just decides that he won't fly the plane anymore on the flight and instead serve peanuts. You just don't do that. As far as I understand it doorman have two jobs, one is to open the door, the other is to sign-in packages. Clearly they don't do any of these things
[okay, Time In, back to the script]
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***
Me: Okay well let me give you my number. I bet you that the person in apartment #1510 in your building took my package. Please call them and tell them I'm looking for my package and that if they accidentally opened the envelope it's totally okay...I just want my tickets. Give me a call when put a message into them
[Act 2: our hero, me, gets home]
Me: There's no message on my answering machine. That fool never called.
Me: Fuck.
Me: Okay I'll just walk over to the building and get it...
[Act 3: at the Victoria building]
Me: Hello, I have a package that was accidentally sent to this building. I spoke to Alvarez this morning and he said that if I came over we could call the person it was sent to
Jaime the other Doorman from Victoria building: (glancing at name tag) I'm not Alvarez.
Me: Yes, I know this. I'm from Harrison #1510, can we call the person who accidentally took my package .
Jaime: What is this package
Me: Listen On Jan 9th my package was signed in by your doorman even though I don't live here and someone in #1510 here was told it was their package.
Jaime: Let me look in the back
Me: It's not in the back...the guy already checked this afternoon..
Jaime: (leaves for 3-4minutes)
Me: Fuck
Jaime: It's not there
Me: Yeah way to go fucktard. Congratufuckulations.
Jaime: Let's see in the book of records when it came
Me: Okay someone signed for it on Jan 9th
Jaime: (flipping book back a few pages from today's new package list)
Foreign Lady: Hello! I have a package!
Jaime: Oh hello!
Me: Fuck
Jaime: Let's look for it...hmm your apartment is #3200...hmm...hmmm I don't see it
Me: Sir, you're on the wrong date. I think you need to flip back to today's date to find her apartment number
Jaime: Please hold on I'm trying to help her
Me: Fuck. If i'm going to have to wait for this fucktard to find this package I'm gonna be here forever
Jaime: silence
Foreign Lady: (murmuring in Cantonese)
Me: Listen, you're not going to find her package that just came in today on the page from a week ago, you need to flip it forward...
Jaime: Wait! The date is wrong, the pages never flipped forward
Me: Fuck
Foreign Lady: Oh! (foreign lady then proceeds to actually sign under the wrong apartment number...the irony is not lost upon me)
Me: Okay look back to January 9th....look there I am. See it says my last name and as you can see, I don't live in this building. Odd how my name is on this sign in list?
Jaime: But you never signed for it. The box was never taken
Me: Well it wasn't signed for on Jan 9th, but maybe it was taken on a day or two later
Jaime: Oh yes. There it is!
Me: Okay!
Jaime: (smiling)
Me: Okay, can we call this person??? You no good pirate whore.
Jaime: I don't have their phone numbers
Me: You don't have the numbers of tenants who live in your building? How do you warn people about Chinese food deliveries
Jaime: No we don't
Me: Okay, bye, I'm just going to go up and knock on their door. I'm guessing if you let random people sign for packages that aren't theirs that you just blindly put the package slip in the mailbox based on the apartment number. I'm off to #1510
Jaime: Wait! Come back!
To make a short story long, I went to apartment #1510, knocked on the door, met a nice woman, and got my tickets. The end.
Dramatic? Yes.
Exciting? Absolutely?
Something worthy of enduring in the name of watching hockey? No doubt.
A dialogue worthy of reading for the past 5 minutes? Umm... Questionable.

2 comments:

Whitney said...

this conversation seems very much like past customer service calls I've had. Good thing you're not me. When I try to get angry, I usually just cry out of frustration. hmph.

ruby said...

Good. Lord. In. Heaven.

Like Whitney said, I would have cried out out of anger and sheer frustration.