Saturday, September 23, 2006

my jealous barber

I think my barber is jealous of me. The barber dude at the haircut place in the mall that I always go to definitely is losing lots of hair. To say that he is highly lacking would be an understatement. He's definitely in hair denial. However being that he is in the hair grooming industry he of course had his remaining hair immaculately groomed.

Enter Hero (me) stage right.

The problem with me is that I'm personally a little concerned about my hair-Achilles-heal. My hair-Achilles-heal is the spot on my head that I'm a little concerned about because it may be thinning. I'm not sure if it's become more or less thin in the last 5 years but I've at least become more paranoid about it.

Unlike most people I really have two hair cut styles that I switch between my super short one and the tad longer one. The short cut is a good summer look. It's looks nice and clean, and is rather aerodynamic. The longer one is a good winter look and I recommend people really give it a shot. Well, if I'm in my winter mode look I don't really like the back end of the top of my head cut. Well not too much anyways.

Unfortunately I have the jealous barber. Now to be clear I think you all can see where this whole story is going. When you see a partially visible shark fin surrounding a screaming man in the sea you don't have to see the man chewed to get the punch line. When you see an evil man walking directly underneath a crane holding a container full of molten lava you don't need to see the dude melted on the screen in an oozy mess to get the gist of that story. When you see a peaceful clown walking by a group of children you don't need to see the clown get shot in the face and then have a swam of rabid bees chase him down the street until he get tripped up by a series of tennis balls that happened to be rolling down the street. That being said I'm still gonna tell the story

The question that you all have that I'm going to answer first is "Clearly this whole nonsensical story is not going to end super pleasantly or at least you'll make some sorta weird point at the end to keep this whole posting sorta funny yet mildly poignant tale, BUT why do you go to this supposed jealous barber anyways?" And this is my answer: I don't. I go to the same mall barbershop and I get assigned to a barber based on who's available. I could make an appointment but that would require effort. Moreover I like the concept of being the "regular" at my barbershop. As a kid growing up I used to really wish I could have a regular store/restaurant/place of commerce like on "Cheers" where everyone knows me by my first name. I thought I had potential with the pancake place down the street but that requires a lot of pancake consumption. So instead I went with the barbershop, so there. Are you happy now? So basically I rotate between three or four barbers. Occasionally there's a new person, but they don't usually last too long because they either can't handle the heat or they develop careers.

Okay, back to my story. Well seeing that winter is coming I went with the long haircut style. I specifically told the barber to just cut the front a little bit, taper back the end, clean up my sideburns, and then to disappear into the night. I specifically told him "don't cut the back top, it's fine." As if on cue, after making a few opening moves on the front of my hair, characterized by a lot of snipping noises, he proceeds to cut the back of the top of my head....which if you're keeping track is exactly what I did not want him to do. On a side note I think a lot of the work with the traditional scissors (i.e. not the electro razor) is done merely for the show. I don't think he really cuts my hair most of the time. But either way, I like the noise. It's a good warm-up for the real meat and potatoes of the event, trimming your hair with the electro razor. Although one thing I truly hate is when they ask you technical questions, like "How close of a cut do you want it, level 1, 2,3?" Um, I dunno, you're the barber here, you tell me.

Anyhoo, but I digress again. The guy starts to cut my hair-Achilles-heal almost right away and I saw him smirk. Well I'm not sure if he smirked but he seemed pleased at his actions. This I know. This I will vouch for in a court of law. Meanwhile I'm thinking "that SOB just cut my hair" and since unlike my mom I don't have eyes on the back of my head, I can't see how big or little it is. All of this of course culminates to the end when they spin you around in their little magical chair, show place a hand mirror at all sorta of weird angles so that you view it portions of you head you didn't even know you possessed through the reflection of your vision from the main mirror via the hand mirror, and ask "so how is it?" and like an idiot I always say "it's great!" The fact is that even if I didn't like it, there's very little the barber can do. More often than not a mistake comes from cutting too much hair versus too little. I've never heard of anyone complaining too much over having too much hair. When you get too much hair cut there's little anyone can do. It's sorta like watching a can of Coke that was accidentally placed in the freezer too long in order to cool it and instead explodes. There's simply nothing you can do.

All of this leads me to believe my barber is jealous of my hair, because my hair situation is better than his. I'm not saying I have good hair. C'mon, I'm not that vain. I don't live in Chelsea. I'm just saying that I have more of it than he does.

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