Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Survivor: Desi style

[Stereotypes are Fun: Part 2 in a series]

The latest season of Survivor is going to be nutso. The past few seasons have seen the competing tribe split based upon sex, age, or just totally random. This season however promises to be off the hook...the tribes are going to be separated by race. There are going to be 4 teams, Blacks, Whites, Asians, and Latinos. Although this may be considered a cheap ploy to gain ratings, the fact of the matter is that it's going to work. There's nothing quite like watching a good race war on TV.

But the real question that I think we're all left with, is why isn't there an Indian team? I don't mean to pull the race card or anything but the numbers sorta speak for themselves. There are nearly 6 billion people on earth and Indians are more than 1 billion of them (the dot kind, not the feather sort, as Jay-Z would clarify it). Not having a desi team is a rather big omission.

However using the magic of our imagination and common stereotypes, I think we can all picture how the Indian team would
  • There would be no fire in the Indian camp for 4 weeks. No one on the Indian team would take the initiative and their would be massive infighting over the "Fire-Making Scheme." Finally a fire will be inadvertantly started when one ofthe trendy young males uses his Parachute brand coconut hair oil as fuel.
  • No one would build a shelter. Instead everyone would scurry off to their own corner of the camp.
  • While the other tribes would initially use local island coconuts to provide sustenance in the early days, the Indian tribe would destroy all their coconuts while doing a puja
  • If Deepak Chopra were on the show he would be on the White team
  • One of the Indian members would start a protest for an undiscernible reason and proceed to fast for 20 days. This would be his excuse for not having to do work.
  • Two Indian guys (Shady Indian Guys or S.I.G's) in their mid to late 20s would only wear black pants and black shirts and cause a fight for some reason every night.
  • One of the female desis would find a way to smuggle her cellphone on the island, only to see that it doesn't get any reception.
  • One of male characters, "Anand," would only wear very large white reebok shoes and a dhoti
  • While trying to pick a tribe leader, several members of the team would choose an Italian woman from the White team.
  • The Indian team would never win a challange. Never.
  • The Indian team would be the only one that would ask the host if it's possible to vote off more than one of their members at a time
  • The Indian team would be the only team to call the Tribal Gatherings which occur at the end of each show as the "Tribe Function"
  • After the 3rd day the desi camp would be mysteriously littered with paan stains
I guess in the end it's probably for the better that there isn't an Indian team.


witnwisdumb said...

Funnnneeee! I see you have great faith in your fellow country men and women :P

Anonymous said...

poor piece if you ask me. Just trying to be extra smart. aren't you? You need a lot more before you attempt another satire.

Shakes said...

thanks for the feedback, i really appreciate. honestly. i do. i'm not just saying that. there's nothing better than hearing someone say you suck on your own page. it's invigorating. technically speaking though, i don't think most people would really call this piece satire to begin with...

Andy said...

Good one!!!

Dinesh said...

You should watch Rang de basanti, Swades, Lage raho munna bhai and all the Patriotic Indian movies ever made to bring 1% liking in you for our country. But I can't disagree that your post is funny. probably a good ploy to increase your hit counter.

AB said...

people that post anonymous comments usually lack the courage of their convictions.

FYI, Anonymous.


Shakes said...

holy shit, quite a bit of drama here. thanks AB. it's funny b/c i don't really mind people not liking my writing, that's perfectly okay, but i'm not sure where people started getting the idea that i don't like india or indians in general. i think poking fun at our people and liking our culture aren't mutually exclusive you know. hell if i didn't give a shit about it i probably wouldn't even do anything indian whatsover. but that's just me. who am i?

AB said...

my point exactly,
where would sardars be,if it were'nt for the jokes :P


Dinesh said...

shakes, if you were like Carlos Mencia I would have laughed and agreed with you. When you are not so, it is necessary for one to be humble about certain matters. BTW, you need to mind people's feed back on your writing, in order to improvise.

Monica said...

ahahahahahaaa i was laughing out loud!

Shakes said...

aww thank you thank you. i try. i succeeded. i win.

Priya said...

Pretty funny piece, yaar. But it would be priceless to see a sardaar on survivor (contestant: Daljeet Harichand Singh) and watch how he reacts to everyone else ("arre, yaar!paan kahan hai?!")