Monday, July 17, 2006

e-War: my new mission in life

There are times when a rudderless life is suddenly given direction. There are times when your life comes into focus after dancing on the periphery of cloudiness. I have just had one of those moments.

For years now I've been writing this blog rather aimlessly, as you all know. A comment about desis here, a view on Sino-Russian political hagglings there, but never anything that has spurned me on to real action. Okay, so to be clear, I haven't been writing for years at all... more like 6 months. Work with me. But to be fair, writing for you people has felt like years.

Anyhoo, much like the foxtrot, allow me to take a step back before we move two steps forward. Some time ago my friend pointed out that I should "totally" talk to the person who runs a website "Love & Haterade" because we seem to be very similar (editor's note: valley girl lexicon of "totally" has been added purely for emphasis). From what I can gather, the writer in question is brown, from the the DC-area, and in her mid-20s. So I happily obliged and replied, saying I liked her website and thought it was funny, which I actually do think. Basically along with various rants she puts writes down new things she loves and hates. Cute, real cute. However after my heartfelt comment, I got no response whatsover. This is poor poor form.

But from the ashes of this e-dissing, I have a new mission in life, to be singled out as one of her daily sources of hate. I know this is a lofty goal, but it's crazy enough that it just might work. As with any good war plan I figured I should draft some rules of engagement to help provide dignity to my cause. Furthermore it will help you, the reader, to see that I am being guided by a code of ethics.

Rules of Engagement
    1. I shall never explicitly ask her to be added to her "hate list." This would show a lack of dignity on my part AND more importantly it would diminsh the integrity of her list (hence making my mission less meaningful)
    2. All my posts shall be made under the pseudonym (or nombe de plume if you prefer) of "General Tatti." The pure joy of seeing her write at some point in the near future "I Hate General Tatti" is too funny to even comprehend. Much like the space/time continuum.
    3. On my profile I shall refer my URL to another one of mine, "http://mytatti.blogspot.com" which I randomly reserved a long time back... this helps push forward the tatti theme.
    4. I shall never be malicious or just outright mean . This isn't really out of any moral obligation but I think it would be funnier to have someone hate "me" without being able to point at one truly mean thing written. That is true comic genius. In the Art of War Sun Tzu says "100 victories in 100 battles is not the most skillful. Seizing the enemy without fighting is the most skillful." I couldn't have said it better myself, even if all my words had to be translated from Chinese.
    5. I shall begin my interactions by appearing to be friendly yet a little bit eccentric, akin to Borat in many ways. (if you're doing a college thesis on this, use this link instead)
    6. The goal is to be named on the hate list within 2 months. This of course is subject to re-evaluation. After all, the girl may decide not to post anything on her blog during this time period and I'll be locked out from achieving my goal. (although judging from her history, it seems as though she does in fact blog regularly)
      There you have it. Further rules may be added as necessarily. I shall give you the play-by-play on my progress as things develop. God speed.

      Let the war begin. Konichiwa bitches. It's sooo on.

      7 comments:

      TheBarmaid said...

      Shakes:

      While I certainly appreciate your post of haterade towards my tiny little corner of the e-universe, I just went through my email -- where my two-thousand plus inbox is a testament to the fact that I never delete anything -- and I never found an email from you.

      How did our wires get so criss-crossed?

      Anonymous said...

      This may be the saddest blog post I've ever read.

      You need help. Really, you do.

      I hear that Motrin is good for pain and for swelling. I don't know if it works on the ego, but I'm sure it couldn't hurt. I'd suggest at least a thousand milligrams. An hour. Until your discomfort subsides and you can get on with the business of trying to have an actual life.

      I'd also recommend changing your (admittedly cool) profile image. This new war hardly seems the work of a guy who's smiling while everyone around him is blue and frowning.

      Oh, and by the way -- only a hip-hop wannabe loser poseur would write something like "Konichiwa bitches." Someone who writes about text message etiquette, and especially someone who, while so doing, simultaneously references Superman and conflates him with Spider-Man (come on now, I know you know what I'm talking about), has about as much street cred as some little Jewish girl riding her pony in the Hamptons.

      I'm sure your regular readers -- all six or seven of them -- would be waiting in breathless anticipation of how this war will end. That is, if they didn't already know.

      witnee said...

      As a graduate student in psychology, I think i can safely say that anonymous has a serious case of 'taking things too seriously'. Sufferers usually fail to see the humor in things, sometimes have a sense of superiority and often gain self confidence through their attempts to insult people.
      Prognosis is not good, as the stick that is usually stuck up their ass is often permanently inserted and requires large amounts of alcohol or other mood altering substance to remove.

      Anonymous said...

      It's obvious that you're pretty far along in that grad career, witnee, because diagnoses as sophisticated as "stick up the ass" are surely the work of a PhD in progress. Helpful hint, though: anyone who begins a piece of writing with "as a graduate student in..." has already cornered the market on taking things too seriously and therefore would do well to avoid throwing rhetorical stones, lest one come flying back at your glass and ivory tower.

      (The image of the troll's ass is a nice touch, though. It sure does say "university scholar" to me.)

      Perhaps you could bring those incisive analytical skills to bear on the case of our friend Shakes -- probing at least as deeply as you did on the subject of menstruation on LOST -- and give us your diagnosis of someone so small, so microscopically (sensitive? clever? bored?) something, that he would declare "war" -- is that another one of those cool ghetto terms? I suppose I should be happy he didn't vow to bust a cap on her ass, yo -- on a blogger for the cardinal sin of not responding to his no-doubt thoughtful and inspiring missive.

      In the meantime, I'll be pondering what amount of alcohol or other mood-altering substance -- with those witticisms to your credit, are you sure you're not a high school student in psychology? I'd like to think someone with an undergraduate degree would be a little more clever -- would inspire someone to read this blog, much less rise to its defense.

      Oh, right -- must be those deep and probing Entourage/Sex and the City comparisons. Never mind.

      Shakes said...

      honesly dude it's totally fine to attack me but don't hate on other people here.

      SigmundFraud said...

      Dear Anonymous (if that's really your name) --

      As the Father of Post-Modern Psychology I can safely say that the ironically named "wit"-nee (pronounced "nay") missed the point of your comment due to "wit"-nee's inability to think (as we psychologists like to say) "outside of Skinner's Box". Perhaps if "wit"-nee could, "wit"-nee would have considered that attempting to insult someone by saying that they suffer from a condition characterized by gaining self-confidence through insults is akin to trying to shave 2-day old stubble with Occam's Razor. Or more simply, in deference to "wit"-nee, student-physician heal thyself.

      Speaking of cliches, Shakes' post reminded me of the highest compliment I have ever been paid. After counseling a particularly difficult (for lesser psychologists "an impossible") client -- a televangelist of some acclaim -- by telling him how I had persevered through the hard times and become the father of post-modern psychology, he looked at me with the most reverant eyes and said, "God, you are boring me."

      culturedrone said...

      wow what's going on in here?! how can this blog incite such venomous dialogue? shakes is funny, the blog entries are funny (insightful, yes, but also humorous and entertaining). how in god's name has a brawl become underway in here?