Thursday, May 11, 2006

Dear Air India, I predict you are going to lose my bag

Anyone traveling internationally on Air India can expect three things:

1) crying babies
2) getting a meal that's not theirs
3) lost luggage

While we can't prevent children from flying just yet and getting the "Indian vegetarian" meal is simply uncontrollable, the only thing that can be focused on really is lost luggage. If you check-in luggage you might as well kiss it goodbye, because there is a reasonably good chance that you will never see it again. If you do see it, it will be in separate pieces scattered on the baggage claim conveyer belt somewhere. Do you think I'm joking? Well maybe I'm stretching the truth a little bit, but as far as I'm aware of Air India is the only airlines I know of that has a link for "missing baggage" on the front page of their website.

But alas if you really must check-in luggage what can you do? At the brilliant suggestion of an anonymous friend perhaps we can be proactive about losing your tatti. How you ask? Well instead of waiting for them to lose my bags, why don't I just email them beforehand and ask them what I SHOULD do when they eventually lose them. This my friends, is pure comic genius.

Thus I have written the following email
Dearest Mr. Air India saab,

I am not expected to travel with you anytime soon but when I do I think you are going to lose and/or maim my luggage. It is my opinion and a fact. I feel confident that my check-in luggage won't make it safely to its final destination (probably India).

As such who should I be contacting now to get my bags? Unless I purchase something new, I would probably be traveling with one large black bag with a large orange strap. It has 4 wheels on the bottom, one of the wheels is broken, so only 3 are functional. I purchased the bag in Jackson Heights. The vendor said it was "A-1 top class quality" so I'm sure it will be sturdy. I would have packed many valuable items in it, such as my cricket bat, several 220 volt appliances also purchased from Jackson Heights, and one Shahrukh Khan poster. I always travel with the poster, he is like a god to me. I am imagining that your baggage service will have somehow ripped or wrinkled this poster.
So in summary, please to be kind enough to be telling whom I should contact to get my bag back once you eventually lose it. Otherwise sadly I would hate to see tatti hit the punkah.

Jai Hind, Jai Air India. Jay-Z. Thank you kindly.
- Arsenio Hall
Writer's Note: "Arsenio Hall" is my super secret incognito name... or nom de plume for my French readers. We shall see what the response is. As always, the actual screenshot is below to ensure you that I have actually emailed this. For your info the word "punkah" is Hindi for "fan." So "tatti hitting the punkah" is my literal translation for the phrase "shit hitting the fan"



By the way, on a sidenote, I still haven't gotten a response from the National Park Service yet, but I'm not exactly holding my breath...

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